Violence on a Sunday

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It was Sunday. I got up and did my usual. Walking, meditation, calling my parents before they go to church, breakfast. I had a long night before and was ready for sitting on the couch watching a good movie. The TV was on mute like it is most of the time, but I could see that the news was on. I saw the word "Shooting" at the bottom of the screen. I assume it was more news about the shooting in Las Vegas. No, this was a different shooting. A new shooting that just happened in Texas. In a church during service. When it was all over we learn that 26 people were killed, 20 or more injured and the shooter had taken his life.

 

Throughout the day between my movies, I saw the talking heads on the news discussing the details of the shooting, asking why this is happening and what will be done about it. The same old discussions about changing laws and defending people's freedom to bear arms. I found myself continually shaking my head. Most of us are tired of this nonsense. 

 

As a kid, gun violence was a part of my everyday life. People in the neighborhood were getting shot and killed for the simplest of things. From age 12 until 18, I remember losing friends and classmates to the gun violence in the streets and their homes. I lost a cousin to it. At 15, I looked into the casket of a person that resembled me and was only a few years older; gone by someone else's hands. Every summer, coming home from college, my brother and I would hear about a neighbor, a child, gone when they didn't have to be. Not enough people heard our cries or saw our tears. We learn to live with the nonsense. The violence. 

 

In the past two years, we've seen lives taken in the street by police, by racist, by the scared and the entitled. Children getting gunned down, people praying and worshipping, losing their lives. Folks shopping and helping, ending up dead. We have to think twice about where we are going and if we are safe. We want to know, is this a mental issue, a gun issue. Is this an issue of violence? I think it is all of these and more. The violence is big and deeply rooted in the American fabric. This country was built on it so much so that it is in our constitution. From the beginning, we did not trust or love our fellow man enough. How different would America be if one of our amendments was "love each other daily." Out lack of love for our fellow human beings, our fellow American makes us not hear or try to understand the different sides and discussions on gun safety/control. Our greed as a capitalistic society supersedes and is more valued than the lives we lose from the excess of guns and violence. Our thoughts about mental diseases have made us mistreat the mentally ill in this country, and now we want to scapegoat them for violence that is way beyond that small portion of our society. Since I was 12 years old, guns have taken people that I have played with and laughed with. Taken them from this world and all I can say is things need to change. The laws need to change to minimize the violence, but our hearts need to change to irradicate it. 

 

 

Drugs: Crime and Addiction

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I was born in the mid to late 70s and went to school during the 80s and 90s.  There were campaigns all over the place to keep kids like me from taking drugs, selling drugs or getting addicted to them. Drugs were plenty and diverse, but the most prevalent were marijuana, heroin and crack. Heard about cocaine, but that wasn't in my neighborhood. There were those derogatory terms that no kid wanted to be called, like crack baby or crackhead.  American was "cracking" down on drug users and dealers. I saw friends losing their dads to prison and too many moms to the addictions. There wasn't a lot of help to get off drugs other than church. It wiped-out some neighborhoods. 

Now here we are in 2017. In some states, like mine, marijuana is damned near legal. People are still dying in my neighborhood over things like crack and heroin, and people are doing long sentences in jail for having these drugs on their person or in their system.  But there is a new twist; opioids. Opioids are drugs prescribed by doctors to help ease the pains from surgeries and similar health issues. In the course of becoming well, some become addicted and too many are dying from something they thought was there to help. In the last decade or so we have seen an increase in doctors prescribing opioids to more patients. Doctors blame pharmaceutical companies for falsely marketing opioids as non-addictive. Regardless of whose fault, the facts are nearly 100 deaths a day occur because of overdose on opioids. Opioids is a drug problem, like crack, cocaine, heroine, and marijuana before it. It is an epidemic and crisis that needs to be solved with health and behavioral strategies and with the support of our government. What the opioid crisis has not been is criminalized like the use and selling of drugs before it. Why? Because of who it is affecting.  According to this study, most opioid addictions and overdoses are occurring to white Americans between the ages of 24 – 45. 

When heroin, crack and marijuana was decimating neighborhoods of the poor inner city, communities of color, the solution was war and the results were kids losing parents to overdose, death and long sentences in prison.  Why are these problems treated differently?  It goes back to the same sin that America repeats over and over again. Seeing the poor and people of color, especially black people, as less; not important. Seeing us as the creator of problems that are only solvable through jail, punishments, and death. Because these drugs have gone across the borders of specific communities and into homes of the rich, white and important, it must be contained. We see the unfairness in this. What I hope is that America wakes up and see that anyone dealing with drug addiction needs help and deserve support if we as a country are giving it. America, if we are going to punish the drug dealer on the street for distributing drugs in the neighborhood, let's punish the doctors for distributing to their patients. Lastly, if we are going to make drugs legal, then we need to free those who sit in jails for decades for something that is no longer a crime. 

 

Thelonious Monk

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Do you remember the first time you heard music from Thelonius Monk? I was in high school. My music teacher was an avid fan. I recall sitting in the band room waiting for the class to start and he was arranging music for the jazz quartet. It was "Strait, No Chaser." I didn't know at the time. It sounds like a lot of broken notes to me, but as a musician, you keep your mind open. As an artist, you assume that he was trying something new. 

A different student came into the band room after me and had more courage to say out loud what I was thinking. "What are you playing? It sounds out of tune?" The piano stopped, and I cringed. "That's Monk Man. You don't know Monk?" This took us into a long lesson about Thelonious Monk. His music style, his career, his life. 

Even after the lesson, it took me a moment to grasp his music, but not his life. His life was poetic, dramatic, cool, the epitome of black life in America, genius. I love that he ran by passion, not by what was accepted. He changed Jazz and what a Jazz musician feels like, look like. I played his music to get a better understanding of the man. I am genuinely now a fan. 

The other day, I attended a concert celebrating 100th birthday. I know if my music teacher was alive he would have been in the room taking it in, swinging and swaying, maybe even shedding a tear or two.  The truth is that Monk was not appreciated right away. It took years for some of us to see his greatness and contribution. It made me think how important it is to love what you do and not do it for recognition.  I find myself struggling to be seen and heard sometimes and have to remind myself that is not the point. The product, the art, the sharing, those are the points of it all.  

Balloon

I had a dream about a balloon a few nights ago. I can't tell you the details of the dream. Frankly, I do not remember them. Just the balloon. Red, of course, like in the movie, IT.  I am not a fan of balloons nor clowns so a balloon in my dream was very disconcerting.  I thought about this damned balloon all day. What did it mean, why was it in my dream. Why is it in my head several hours after the dreams is completely over. No clue but it is distracting and to remove it from my psyche I did what all artists do, took it out of my head and brought it into my reality. An illustration and a poem. 

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Floating above
Connected to the world
Only by a string and your hand
You look down at your feet, wishing you could fly, then
You looked up and with a mischievousness grin you
Released it into the blue sky. 
It will travel in your place – but where will it go?
Well first, it will sail over the grit of your city into the suburbs where everything is the same boring;
Tracking its way to the more exciting locations of the world. 

Maybe to Ghana's Accra or Egypt's Alexandria. 
London? Everyone goes there
Paris? It must go there
Berlin? Maybe there
Havana? Yes Havana

You wish it adieu and pray that it sees it all before it burst. 

Something Missing at the Black History Month Program

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Artwork provided by http://unothegateway.com/

Multiple question marks on paper[/caption]It is Black History Month where America, and more specifically, those Americans of African descent celebrate culture and achievements.  My nieces asked me to attend their Black History Month event last night. It was held at a local church where they go for an after school program sometimes. They waited the day before the event to ask me to go, and they asked me several times.  I submitted and committed to going to the event.  You can tell from my writing that I was very much enthused…not. I love my nieces and nephews, but this part of being an auntie, is not my favorite and I avoid it as much as possible.  

Misery loves company, so I asked my mother if she wanted to go. She genuinely did. At 6:45 PM the next day, my mother and I were driving up to the parking lot of the church.  I dropped my mom at the door so that she would not have to walk in the newly fallen snow and the ice that it covered. After I had parked, I went to the church and was met with the chaos of children of all ages running around getting ready for their performance. I smiled remembering me being in their place. 

My mom already found a seat in the sanctuary. I sat next to her like I use to in church when I was a kid.  She asked me about the time. I told her it was 7 o'clock. She seemed surprised that the show had not started and began to look around, noticing she and I were the only ones in the audience. Around 7:15 others began to pour in; grandmothers, mothers, aunts and the people who financially supported the program. A few minutes later drums played on the sound system and dancing, speeches and singing began.  

In the back of the church sat several young boys. Another young man was standing at the door of the sanctuary making sure no one interrupted the program by coming in and out of the door.  Outside of that, there was no male presence. None of the boys performed in the program, and there were no fathers, uncles or grandfathers in the audience. That struck me. A few days before this, I was interviewing people in my neighborhood for a project, discussing the 1967 riot that occurred in Detroit. One subject that continued to come up in those discussions was the broken black family dynamic and how males are frequently missing in the households.  This program was a blaring outcome of that. Not only were there not males in the audience to enjoy the work of the children. There were not males to help in running the program, and the outcome is no activities in the program that were more male-friendly and supportive. 

The reason male presence is small or sometimes non-existent in the black community is very layered. Here are just a few that feed into this phenomena:

  1. Slavery: Many families were broken up in the buying and selling of slaves, creating a different dynamic in black households than in other American households
  2. War/Military: A vast proportion of men who were drafted and took part in wars and military are men of color. Again, removing them from homes and at times bringing them back in emotionally broken mindsets. 
  3. Drugs: Drugs began to pour into the neighborhoods and streets of lower and middle-class neighborhoods, causing havoc in families and communities 
  4. Sexual freedom: Sexual freedom hit its peak in the 60s with additional access to contraceptives, giving more freedom to have sex without the worries of pregnancy
  5. Women's Movement: The women's movement empowered women to take more control over their bodies and unplanned pregnancies. Women had more options than getting married and having kids, and more women were opting not to get married. Men felt less responsible for unplanned pregnancies and their outcomes, leaving more women taking on a larger parental responsibility
  6. Prison: More men, especially men of color were imprisoned because of drugs, removing them from their families and creating more economic hardships and more single-family homes.

This list can go on and on, but why no longer matters. What matters is finding a solution. Here are some. 

  1. Black men and women do not really talk to one another about these pains and challenges. Not as couples. We just expect better and too many times degrade when we do not do better.  More discussion, listening, and understanding needs to occur in our relationships and our communities.
  2. Therapy and counseling is a must. We are a traumatized people who are told every day to get over it. Talking helps get over it. Building helps get over it. We must make therapy and counseling a regular part of our relationships and community. 
  3. Partnerships, not dictatorships – I have seen relationships where black women tear down their male partners with their mouths and actions. I have also seen the same with men, fighting for dominance instead of working together and loving together. Let's build partnerships. Know your strengths and weaknesses in relationships and build and enjoy accordingly
  4. Plans – economically, educational, trips, families, everything. The world is hard and does not help when you are working to plan for your future, create budgets, create families, but we must.  If we want certain things in life with a partner, planning those things are a must
  5. Autonomy – We are individuals, and we all need space and time to be us.  I have seen relationship
  6. Commitment – What families look like today is different from the 1950s and 60s.  And that is what it is, but when you have children, you must take care of them, and that is more than money. That is time, that is knowledge and enjoyment. If your partnership as mates does not work, your partnership as parents must. 
  7. More community and together-ness. Integration and individualism have caused many of us to disconnect from community and our cultural foundation. It has caused us to invest less in our neighborhoods, our people and businesses and in our educational institutions; things that we need when it is difficult to access them in other communities.  Segregation demanded that we did this before. Now, let's do it out of the benefits and necessity. This doesn't mean isolate from the America culture. It just means build the black culture and foundation as you continue your American journey. Other groups do it. We should too. 

 

 

Days of Doubt


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I move forward, regardless of what is going on around me, what people say or how things appear. That is how I get things accomplished.  There is always a solution to all problems and  roads to all visions. I keep my eyes open and ears open to hear and see where to go. It works for me time and time again. But I have my days where I crash into a wall of doubt that I didn't see coming and before I know it, I am on my ass wondering what happened and why I am doing any of this. I had a day like that yesterday.  

I woke up, I prayed, thanking God and universe for everything and asking for direction and productivity in the day. We are a few days from 2017, so, I sat down and began planning for another stellar year and as I plan, something started happening. Anxiety started setting in and then just right out fear. My daily meditation usually steadies me through the day. Not yesterday. I was blocked from seeing beyond the reality that sat in front of me and that reality said, "Girl, you ain't gonna make it. How you gonna make any of this happen. You don't have…." and it went on from there.  I actually welled up and  when the emotions got to heavy, submitted to the reality that today, I have doubts and I do not know if I am good enough or have the strength or capacity to do any of this.  Doubt exist and it happens. I think the worse part for me is not having someone to call or talk to slap me out of it.

I walked up to my studio and pulled out paper and crayons and started drawing without purpose other than to busy my mind.  A couple of completed drawings done and a few hours later, I was clear enough to talk to my inner self. I told her that the vision is big and it  is what we are here to complete, so we can do it. The world we live in says without knowing certain people, having certain money or other criteria, there are things that cannot be accomplished and when I hit that wall of doubt,  I believed that and folded. We are again conscious and have gone over that wall of doubt and can again see the limitless resources and capacity.  

Move forward, regardless of what is around me, what people say, how things appear, despite the walls in front of us. 

Self-Love

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Teaching school is a fundamental way of sharing. My sister is a teacher. She teaches kindergarten. It baffles me why, because I am not even sure she likes kids. I think she is just really passionate about education and how best to ensure a child will be educated than to catch them at the beginning of their educational journey.  She is just one of many teachers in my family. My aunt, father, cousins.  We learn so much in school. Math, science, how to play and color. We learn how to socialize and even about time (this English class is too long vs. gym isn't long enough).  I told my sister I wish that self-love was taught in schools. I think it would have changed so much in our society and has the potential still to do so. 

I know I may have written this in other posts, but I am going to repeat it. Love, for me, was something you expressed and gave to others. It was something others gave to you if they felt you worthy of it.  Love from others is something you wanted. It gave value.  Growing up in church, love from God was paramount. From what the preacher says, you come into a life already with God's love. Something you never have to worry about, but the world and its views make you work hard just to believe you've earned such unconditional love.

It was not until I was in my 20s that I learned of the concept of self-love.  Those feelings, thoughts, and patience you have with others, to have them for yourself. That was foreign to me. You hear the word self, and your mind goes straight to selfish, at least my mind did. But self-love is not selfish, and it is one of the best things you can do. 

Self-love is this appreciation of who you are as you are. When you appreciate, like and love yourself, you tend to make better choices for yourself from health choices even down to your relationships. When you appreciate and love you as you are, it becomes so much easier to do the same for family and friends. 

I actually did not love myself. There were things I was confident about. I was confident that I was smart. My report cards supported that fact. I was confident that I could draw, but not confident that I was good at it. I was confident that I was a decent musician. I held first chair in middle and high school band and even in community bands while in college. I was confident that I was not a "pretty girl" and somehow became okay with that. There was a lot of pressure that comes with being pretty that I did not have to deal with. I was not confident about love or like. I assumed people like me mostly because of my achievements not because of who I truly was. I accepted that. I tend not to care about other's accomplishments and always wanted to see people from within and to like them from that space. I think I chose to deal with people in this way because I was giving them something I did not have and wanted.

Self love came when I was at a rock bottom. Years of depression, could not think, work or create and no parent, friend or family around to spring me out of that hole. I remember being on my bed, in darkness, hugging myself. There was a warmth with that. It made me fall asleep when I probably hadn't slept for a while. That feeling gave me energy and mercy from the darkness. I thought it was a fluke feeling.  Later, I saw a book about self-love that really opened me to the concept and made me wonder why this is not taught to all. Why little kindergartners aren't told about self-love. 

If everyone loved themselves, no one would feel empty and try to fill it with others. No one would feel they have to give up who they are to be loved, feel secure, feel peace. If at five years old, you were told that love lives in you and you are truly beautiful as you are. If the world truly supported that philosophy this world would be all we imagined and it would be real.

Truth: I am still learning to love myself but I have seen my progress, and I have seen how it makes me feel about my parents, nieces and nephews, friends, associates. I see how it makes me feel about strangers and how comfortable I am with myself. I am not in a rush to be in a relationship, but I know as I am now and where I am continuing to go, I will have an amazing partner to share my life and love with and do it while truly being me.  

 

Colorful Women: I Know You Want to Touch It

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You want to touch my hair. I get it. It's different. Tightly curled, strong, springy and spongy. Soft and scratchy. It may seem a little wild.

It shoots up in the air, connecting with the world  around it, taking in the power of the universe.

You want to touch it. Become one with it if only for a moment.  

It is exotic and beautiful. It's rawness brings you in. 

Let me tell you how it makes ME feel. 

Confident in a world that makes me question myself every day.

Real.

Uniquely beautiful.

Rooted in my skin and in my heritage.

It makes me spiritual and free.

Do you think its beautiful? Weird? Sexy? Free?

Some call my locks exotic – others call it nappy. 

You may say its beautiful – others call it un-tidy

COMB YOUR HAIR? You look crazy! 

WHY YOU WANT TO WALK AROUND WITH NAPPY HAIR?

That is UNPROFESSIONAL. You look ghetto, street, urban, HOOD. 

Why does this world question and deny me beauty and freedom?

POWER. It fears the power of my tresses and miss-understands them. 

I learn not to care and stand confident in my natural beauty. 

BUT You. I know you want to touch my hair.

and one day, I will grant you the privilege. 

The Turtle and the Rocks

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My niece bought a turtle today. She was very happy to have this pet to take care of and taking care of started pretty quickly. She needed to add a rock to the aquarium so that her baby turtle could have somewhere to sleep.  She made me rush to grandma's house to look in her year for a rock. She didn't find one. She asked her youngest sister who has collected rocks since she was two to help her find the perfect rock.  Even with her experience, she could not find anything that could work for the little turtle. Then I remembered. I have rocks all over my house. They are part of my nieces collection that got so vast that different family members had to take some to our various homes.  

I only lived seven minutes away. I told her I would go by my house and see if I have any rocks that may work. We needed a particular size and height so that the little turtle could climb out of the water of the aquarium and sleep on this rock that needed to be well above the water line. My "rock collecting niece road with me to my home.  We quickly got to my home and I let me niece pick three rocks, hoping one of them would work. Seven minutes later we were back at grandmas examining the rocks and making the decision to pick one. After washing it and placing it in the aquarium, we waited. It didn't take long for the turtle to climb up on that rock and rest. 

So many times I thought about throwing those rocks back into nature. I kept them only because my niece lovingly picked them up over the years. But today, one of those rocks was used. It had a purpose. It always had, but today, its purpose become clear. It made me think about life. There is a time an a place for everything. That rock was picked by my niece years ago sat in my home for several more years an at the right time it fulfilled its purpose.  We must be ready and prepared for when our time comes to fulfill our purpose and our visions. I know, sometimes, when we  are waiting like that rock sitting in my window the past years, we may feel like we are not living our purpose and we must do something.  But even in quiet, peace and stillness, things are happening and moving around us, putting things in place to create the perfect moment for our purpose to be revealed and to happen. Our job is to create the vision, be present to hear where we need to be and what we need to do and know that everything else is being taken care of. Right now, I have been waiting for something to occur in my life. I am growing anxious about it. Time sometimes makes believing and staying focus a little challenging to do. I know I am to stay still but some days I fight the urge to do something to try make this thing I desire happen. Acting before an act is needed is just as bad as not acting at all. My saving grace is staying present, listening and being clear on where my place is in this process.  Things are working around me and I must stay still while the universe does its work and put things in place.  Meditation helps me stay still. I learned today from the turtle and the rock.

 

A List of What I Want

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I LOVE LIST.  Every morning I take time to right down what I need to accomplish that day. Sometimes I do the list the night before.  I have been doing this for years and I believe it is a source of my efficiency and success. (The photo above is from a list in 2009/2010). Beyond my daily list, I have a 1 year, 3 year and 5 year goal list.   I think there is a power in writing down things. I believe that it helps manifest them into our reality and for me, it helps me commit. Recently I decided to use my love for list and develop a list of things that I want and desire.  At first I was gonna call it a wish list.  Maybe it is a wish list, but after a lot of meditation, reading and just living I have learned to ask for what you want and know that you are going to receive it. I've also learned that there is no such thing as a big want and a little want. They are all the same to the universe and God. We tend to put values on things making some manifestations and desires seem smaller than others. 

  • 2 GB of additional ram for my Mac
  • All of D'Angelo's music on vinyl
  • 1970 Chevrolet Chavelle in Midnight Blue
  • An amazing mattress for my bed
  • My family members to love themselves which will help us love others even more
  • End of war in the world
  • End of hate in our hearts (which will probably end war)
  • Happy nieces and nephews
  • Continued financial stability and growth (I have specifics here but keeping that between me, God and my book of list)
  • Cure for cancer (I know we have all lost folks to this disease)
  • Decrease in the importance of money in our lives
  • Political campaigns that are not to popularity contest but are about substance
  • Travel two months out of the year in the states and around the world
  • Sit on my porch and read most days
  • Paint every day
  • Meditate every day
  • End to racism and any other prejudice in the world
  • Public libraries that are beautiful, fully funded and used heavily by society
  • A partner that is smart, funny, ambitious, humble, attractive, comfortable in his own skin, open to new things (this can be a list by itself) 

There are other things I want to put on my "Things I Want List" but I think this is a good start. Some of these may seem far reaching. But I truly believe that the world is limitless and the limits we see have been placed my us. I believe all of these things will happen and I will be happy about these things now and look for these things to become part of reality. Write your list. Do not limit yourself and fully believe that your list is as real as the paper it is written (or printed) on. 

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