Fears

fear

This week has been a doozy. Many people have gone through so many different emotions after hearing Donald Trump will be our next president. Some people are ecstatic, but most that I have spoken to are depressed, angry, confused and really scared. I've haven't heard the word fear so much since 9/11.  I took a moment internally and thought about what really scares me and what fears I have. Just to name a few:  

  • Death of loved ones (my parents, siblings and the like)
  • Guns 
  • Our environment being too far gone to fix
  • Being homeless
  • Not telling a person my true feelings about them before it's too late
  • Becoming deathly ill
  • Not having the ability to think clearly
  • Not being able to create art

These are real fears that I face every day and try to alleviate by enjoying my family and friends, creating art as much as possible, using my mind to its fullest capacity and working hard to stay healthy and happy. There is one thing on this list that I have not been able to move forward with and that is telling that special someone I care.  One day, I will get over that fear and scratch it off of my list. One day. 

Fear is an emotional mechanism that is supposed to keep us from doing dangerous things or to alert us of danger. It is a good thing in its place, but sometimes the fears we have are based on the unreal. That is when fear itself becomes dangerous and harmful.Some people have let the fear of Trump create an unreal world in their heads and that can develop into more bad decisions. Let's work for the best and prepare for the worse. 

With the Trump election, my first reaction was not fear at all, just disappointment. I felt it on several levels starting with the politics that lead us to having such poor choices in our presidential candidates, to the horrible language and media frenzy we had to live through for the last year. In hindsight, maybe this is the only way such an election could have ended.  But, for just a moment, I did think, even in the brokenness that we are facing as people in this country, that we would pick what would be best for the majority of us. Again, maybe we did.

The hopes and optimism I held for America were unwarranted and I knew better. My soul knew better. She was talking to me and getting me ready for what she saw was coming and what I was scared to admit.  When it happened, disappointment hit and then the next thing I felt was, time to get back to work. Keep creating art that young children see in their neighborhoods. Keep writing about humanity, spiritual understanding, my Black-ness and womanhood. Keep transforming public spaces and keep loving family, friends, and neighbors and beyond. Be ready to move when my inner spirit tells me to. Be ready to work when I am called.  That is it. We have fears to get over in this country. Fears about race and the guilt of it. Fears about this changing country.  There is a government system with outdated laws, processes,and policies that need to change. Until then, I've decided that Donald Trump is not something I need to fear just another person to love, pray for, and tell the truth to.

The Airport

delta_airplane

My plane got in rather late tonight. We landed about 12:04 AM. I knew it would be another hour or more before I could lay down in my bed. This trip was only a few days but I felt like I hadn't slept for weeks.  I use to call someone to pick me up but that has become more challenging as my family has gotten older and friend's lives are fuller.  Now, I save money for a taxi-ride. Yes, uber is cheaper, but a taxi driver doesn't feel the need to engage and entertain you the whole trip. At one in the morning, the last thing I want is a purposeful conversation.  It was 12:37 when my bag finally fell from the carousel.

I noticed as others grabbed their luggage, they headed for the door looking for the car of their loved ones or even were met by a love one in baggage claim. Smiles, hugs, handshakes and screams. I saw a little boy run up to what I assumed was his grandma.  It gave me such a warm feeling and an empty one at the same time.

Ten minutes later I was in the taxi. The driver asked where I was going. When I told him Detroit, I saw a little hesitation.  I understood it, but also was a little angry about it. I haven't been back home for 15 minutes and already facing Detroit stereotypes and prejudice. Yet I understood. The world in not safe. Detroit is not always save.  The taxi driver dropped me off  at my parent's house, I got my keys from the hiding place and dragged myself to the car. 

Slowly, I drove to my home. I turned off my car and I took in my surroundings. It was very quiet and very late. For a moment I thought how I would feel safer if someone was with me. If I could have a friend to keepme company. But I had only me.  Nothing more.  I got out of the car and as I removed my bag from the trunk,  a man came from the side of my neighbor's house. It frightened me for a second and then I realized it was one of my neighbors. I smiled and said hello and wondered why he was outside at that time of night.  My mind went back to the taxi driver and I was a little less angry at his hesitation to come to the city.  My heart slowed down and I opened my house door feeling safe, secure and alone.

It was the next day, around 9 am that I called my mother. She didn't even know that I had stop by to get my car.  She told me I should have waken her, but I know if I did that, she would have yelled about me waking her. I was in a quiet place that morning, so our conversation was short.  My trip from the airport made me think about how alone I am and how uncomfortable that can be sometimes. I decided to go back to sleep hoping rest would take away the sadness and depression I was feeling. I have a good life, but that moment, for that moment, I felt miserable.