Being a Twin

Education_24-512

Being a twin is something that I did not have a choice in. It is just like being black or a woman. These are part of my genetic makeup that, in the long run mold your life. I have a twin brother. I know that I have talked about him in some post before, but I do not think I have ever just shared about being a twin. 

It is an amazing experience while at the same time it can be filled with responsibility. You come into the world with a person who will have similar experiences and life, at least initially. For me, I came into the world with a friend as well as someone to protect me.  We did not have our own language, but I believe being together from conception, connects you in a way that cannot be severed. There has been times I feel something like stress or happiness or anxiety. Feelings that, at least from where I was presently, were out of place. Later, I learn it is my twin. I  think about something and I get a call, note or text from him on the same subject. I feel trouble and know it is not me and I need to find him right away. These feelings become harder to control when you are further away and cannot physical connect with your twin.

Somewhere in our relationship, I became the silent protector and he became the experimenter. He is, in ways,  more wild and free. He tried things, like all kids/teens do. I did not. There had to be a purpose to it or I did not do it. So, drugs, alchohol, even sex; all pointless and were not something I participated in. It was also something I did not judge. I learned from him. He shared, I listened, and that was it. What I was for him was a non-judegmental ear. One that helped because that is what I did. Outside of the protector, I shared my experiences with him too. Different though. I shared about art, and books I read. I told him what I saw in the streets, my travel and how we can change the world. Spiritual prowless beyond religious practices. I had a balance that he called unemotional and inhuman. I gave him balance. He gives me the right to be emotional, take more risk and be more free in my own way.  I think that I would probably not truly be attached to this world if it was not for my twin. 

Your twin is important to you. It cannot be helped in most cases. At least in mine. His place in my life has not changed, event when I have signifianct others. That is not true for me. I have seen myself moved to back seats and sometimes packed away out of my twins life as he build his family, etc; only to come out when he needed the nonjudgemental ear or the protector. Less and less did I have the chance to share my life with him. Less and less chance to be emotionally open. Sometimes, I even think of myself as a little too cold. 

Right now, my twin is going through some major emotional stuff. He has been for years, but it has come to a head. He knows it and I know it. I no longer can protect. It's too big and I find myself cracking. I have been where he is at. I struggle with depression but have learn some vital coping skills that have made life beautiful in most cases. I have my days though. But even those skills do not help when you are spiritually and emotionally tied to someone out of your control and you feel things, experience things that are not completely you but are you. 

I dream of a day when my twin is happier. I am not saying I want his life to be where there is not trouble or challenges. I do not think that exsist. But I want him to have hope and experiment postiviely. I want him to feel free again. I do not want to feel dread when I see his name on my phone or wake up in the middle of the night filled with anxiety about something I have no clue about – knowing it is him. He deserve happiness and kindness in his life. I wish he believed it. It will happen, but until then. Part of me will be unhappy and not at peace. That is the most horrible part of it all – not being at peace at times and knowing that the person that you love deeply is the cause of it. 

I Want to Be in Your Rotation

80s-record-player

I  want to be in your rotation.

You…wondering what I am doing

Call me regularly, make plans with me every now and then

Text me because I've crossed your mind

I want to be in your rotation

When you drive through my neighborhood

You think about stopping by and having a chat or coffee

Smiling because you thought of me laughing at that awful joke you told

I want to be in your rotation

Getting over the fear of messing up what we are and becoming something different but just as beautiful

Or, if that is too much, a smile emoji at the end of your emails

I want to be in your rotation. I want to know and experience you. 

 

 

Crushes

5fabe71d4d7d71f98f59a50568e50337

All human beings have crushes. It is "liking" from afar. You dream and even lust for the attention of another. I think, like others, the origin of this word comes from the fact that in most cases, it ends in with a person crushed by rejection and emotional failure. Since it is Valentine's Day weekend, I thought I would share about a crush. 

I was a very shy kid at the age of eight or nine. I was not interested in much. I like reading and drawing. Not too much different from today. I was very open around my siblings, but became a mute in many cases around other people – at least until I felt comfortable around them. I did not have many friends, but the ones I had, I truly liked. Again, not to different from today. At eight and nine years old, some of my friends were already interested in boys.  Liking them and them liking them back. I didn't pay much attention to that. It was another layer of connecting that my poor little system could not handle. But at that age, I do remember this one guy. His name in this post will be DP. DP was very kind, funny He was a good friend to my twin brother, so I talked to him a lot. He was also liked by all the girls. I could understand. He was very cute for a nine year old.  

Being around him was different than my other friends. I smiled a lot, I was open and comfortable. Feelings that I could not control, like happiness and glee were normal around DP. I felt like a normal kid around him until the most awful thing happened. I was talking with DP and one of our classmates hollered, "Donna likes DP!" Outside of being on a stage getting stared at my loads of people the most horrible thing for a shy person is to have things screamed about them across a crowded classroom.  I said, "I do not, stop lying!" and to show that they were lying and I was not, I stayed away from DP for a while. Maybe two weeks – I am not sure, but, I do recall DP coming up to me and giving me a drawing. I smiled and a part of me knew right then that I do like this guy. 

I fought this "liking" thing. It made me act strange around my friend and it made me compare myself to other girls. It made me quieter and more shy than ever. I never told him I liked him, liked him. I was way too scared to do that. Shy people are very good avoiding rejection. Anyways, I calculated that I spent more time with him as a friend than those girls that liked him and wanted a boyfriend. 

Last thing about this crush. I remember our last week of elementary school. He was going to a different middle school than I. I was very sad about that. Both of us were walking down the stairs heading to the door to leave. He was holding on to the rail on the left, and I was holding on to the one on the right. He mimicked my pace as I slowly walked down the stairs. I do not remember the words but I remember that we both were aware that this would probably be the last time we see each other and it seemed that we were both prolonging the inevitable. I think that he liked me as much as I liked him, but I will never know. I was too scared to put myself out there. What I can say is that enjoyed our friendship. His kindness, his funny nature and intellect are still things I look for in friends and those who become more than friends. 

I've had crushes and relationships since this of course. ALL ended with me sitting to the sidelines observing my crush with their new like/love interest or me alone.  It use to make me sad, now it is my norm and has caused me to enjoy the time I have with people as friends, as crushes, as mates, and just really take it in as I have it. Maybe that is how life is suppose to be for me, a bunch of beautiful crushes.