Being a twin is something that I did not have a choice in. It is just like being black or a woman. These are part of my genetic makeup that, in the long run mold your life. I have a twin brother. I know that I have talked about him in some post before, but I do not think I have ever just shared about being a twin.
It is an amazing experience while at the same time it can be filled with responsibility. You come into the world with a person who will have similar experiences and life, at least initially. For me, I came into the world with a friend as well as someone to protect me. We did not have our own language, but I believe being together from conception, connects you in a way that cannot be severed. There has been times I feel something like stress or happiness or anxiety. Feelings that, at least from where I was presently, were out of place. Later, I learn it is my twin. I think about something and I get a call, note or text from him on the same subject. I feel trouble and know it is not me and I need to find him right away. These feelings become harder to control when you are further away and cannot physical connect with your twin.
Somewhere in our relationship, I became the silent protector and he became the experimenter. He is, in ways, more wild and free. He tried things, like all kids/teens do. I did not. There had to be a purpose to it or I did not do it. So, drugs, alchohol, even sex; all pointless and were not something I participated in. It was also something I did not judge. I learned from him. He shared, I listened, and that was it. What I was for him was a non-judegmental ear. One that helped because that is what I did. Outside of the protector, I shared my experiences with him too. Different though. I shared about art, and books I read. I told him what I saw in the streets, my travel and how we can change the world. Spiritual prowless beyond religious practices. I had a balance that he called unemotional and inhuman. I gave him balance. He gives me the right to be emotional, take more risk and be more free in my own way. I think that I would probably not truly be attached to this world if it was not for my twin.
Your twin is important to you. It cannot be helped in most cases. At least in mine. His place in my life has not changed, event when I have signifianct others. That is not true for me. I have seen myself moved to back seats and sometimes packed away out of my twins life as he build his family, etc; only to come out when he needed the nonjudgemental ear or the protector. Less and less did I have the chance to share my life with him. Less and less chance to be emotionally open. Sometimes, I even think of myself as a little too cold.
Right now, my twin is going through some major emotional stuff. He has been for years, but it has come to a head. He knows it and I know it. I no longer can protect. It's too big and I find myself cracking. I have been where he is at. I struggle with depression but have learn some vital coping skills that have made life beautiful in most cases. I have my days though. But even those skills do not help when you are spiritually and emotionally tied to someone out of your control and you feel things, experience things that are not completely you but are you.
I dream of a day when my twin is happier. I am not saying I want his life to be where there is not trouble or challenges. I do not think that exsist. But I want him to have hope and experiment postiviely. I want him to feel free again. I do not want to feel dread when I see his name on my phone or wake up in the middle of the night filled with anxiety about something I have no clue about – knowing it is him. He deserve happiness and kindness in his life. I wish he believed it. It will happen, but until then. Part of me will be unhappy and not at peace. That is the most horrible part of it all – not being at peace at times and knowing that the person that you love deeply is the cause of it.