I am searching for answers within and with how I interact with people. You probably have noticed if you have read any of my current posts. I just finished a phone call with my twin brother. I had not spoken to him probably in two weeks which is a long time for us. He was about to hang up and my spirit spoke to me and said "Tell him that you love him." I heard it in my head several times before I said it. And he said "I love you too."
My brother tells me he loves me all the time. I know that I do not say these words often to my twin who is probably one of the closest people to me. He said that he is the more emotional one in our relationship. The thing is I have no problem saying I love you to my nieces and nephews, but these word uncomfortably come out of my mouth with others. I have friends, at the end of our phone conversations or when we depart say, "I love you!" and I say it back, but in my head I do think, "How can you love me and how can you say such sacred words so easily?"
I deeply love each of my family members, but do not feel comfortable being that vulnerable with my siblings or my parents. I hug them and we get along really really well – but saying "I love you?" We grew up that way. Mother said she loved us and showed it in how she made our clothes, in the cards she gave us in the food she made and in the hugs and kisses she gave and still gives us. My father is a little different. I am sure that he loved and loves us – but the words, I have never heard come from his mouth, not to me. I've heard it said to his grandkids which I think is a great evolution, but I have not heard it said to me. I doubt that any of my other siblings have either. Many men that came up during his time did not show emotions in that way. As an adult, I understand. But it has created something.
One of my longest relationships was with a person that did not verbally ever tell me that he loved me. It made me unsure about where we stood, just as I was with my father. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I just made the assumption that my father liked/loved me. Before that, I really could not answer the question with confidence. I am assuming that my father may have experienced the same thing I did growing up. I am glad that with his grandkids, he has broken some patterns.
I come away from this knowing some things. I know that I am loved. I know that I love others. There is a part of me that may not think I am lovable which is why I question others when they say it. It also keeps a guard up for me which makes it challenging for me to say the words without fear. Lastly, I know I can change the negative beliefs and I think the conversation tonight was a step in the right direction.