Holidays can be complicated for me when I am traveling. I need the downtime. I need the quiet and calm. But I like the camaraderie too. This past holiday was fun. I went to a baseball game, had a great conversation with a friend about her new love connection and I tried my damnedest to go to a concert. The traffic was so horrendous that I gave up the concert for a short trip to a gourmet hotdog joint in the Heights neighborhood of Houston. I had fun and then I came home and I felt sad. It wasn't the quiet, the calm or the downtime that made me feel this way. It was the loneliness underneath. It's there when I am with people and when I am by myself. Holidays intensifies it.
When I feel this way, my emotions get all out of whack. I guess anyone's would. I fell asleep Sunday night and Monday night, waking Tuesday to the fact that I dreamt about the same person both nights. His appearance in my subconscious tends to come at times of loneliness. This is what happens when I am sad, my dreams try to make me feel better. This time, I think my dreams made it worse. It definitely got me deeper in my head.
There was a time year before, I dreamt of him nightly. Our break up was fresh. But as time continued and moved on the dreams of him happened weekly, then monthly, every now and then to almost never. Longing for him hasn't happened in many years – yet, that Tuesday, I woke up feeling like I did 10 years ago. For about 20 seconds, I was madly in love and deeply hurt. I took it in and remembered how much I loved and how he made me feel safe and secure. This short poem-ish thought came into my head:
I loved sitting next to you, arms around you. I loved playing in your beard, kissing you good night and waking to more than a kiss. I felt safe being a nerd around you reading the books I adored, knowing you liked every bit of it. I liked and loved your quiet. You made me feel real and grounded until…you didn't. Love, beauty, normal, real, happiness, was gone and so were we. 10 years later, you creep into my dreams and made me remember how it felt to be protected, loved and real.
There was no work, or art to stop those thoughts and feelings. There was no one to talk it through with or help shake it off. I felt that, all day. The love and the absence of it. Safety and the vulnerability of not feeling safe. All day I felt it. I walked slower and was irritated faster.
Sad and happy at the same time. That is what holidays do for me, what love has done. That is what my dreams for the past days have shown me. I don't know what else to do but feel it and call it what it is. Life.