Sometimes I feel alone or want to just talk to someone. I look through my phone and though there are so many names, I feel that there is no one I can talk to. I am usually a listener. I sit, I call someone and they talk. I use to give advice, but I've lost dear friends over that. Friends I can't afford to lose. How can I feel that there is no one to call with a phone full of numbers. Do I have any real friends?
I called someone tonight and they asked, "Did you call to check on me?" I didn't. I called to talk business. It's hard to catch this person and so when I did, I was in business mode. I did stop and ask how he was. It is raining and storming kind of bad tonight and he was concerned about his ride home. I got it. I sympathized. Living in Houston and seeing what rain can do I cautioned him to stay where he was and not push going home. After that, I went back into business mode. I can tell he didn't want to hear it and he shut down the phone call. I text an apology. You know, it is never my intention to make people angry, frustrated or anything else. But life; work, Hulu and Netflix, family, more interesting friends and other miscellaneous stuff keep us from talking and connecting on a regular basis where maybe I could have been more attentive to the person and not the business.
At one time, I considered this person in my close circle. To me, a person in your close circle is one you can call anytime, say a few things or a lot of things and its not a huge deal. A person in your circle will make time for coffee or tea or to shoot the breeze. He isn't in that circle any longer. I've known that for a while. But the call tonight made it very clear. That doesn't mean I like or love him less, it's just that commitment is different and I get that. Life happens.
They say as you get older you find that you only have a few real friends. For me, that has always been the case. So it is challenging to come to a conclusion that a person you were once close to or a person you wanted to be close to — you are not. It has been a very long time since I've had a best friend or a confidant. Many things, feelings, I put on paper and hide in a special box. Sometimes I am brave and I put them in my blog. But, what I really want to do is pick up a phone or go over to someone's house and share. AND, and I want to do it and be open and not censored or shot down with "there, there" or anything like that. Simple human desire to share, be heard and know someone will be there.
I know I am not the warmest of human beings. I have a guard up and that makes it harder to know me. I know it. Sometimes the guard comes down and because of that, I have made some really beautiful friends in my life. I honor them here: Toya, Celeste, Nikita, Markena, Iyantta, Annette, Phaza, TJ, Angelia, Raphaela, Donny, Philip.
I sigh because most of these friends are not in my close circle anymore. I see them on Facebook, keep up with their lives and remember them when they were in mine. I don't reach out to rekindled because that was then and this is now, but the love they gave still resonates in my life today.
Last thing before I go. I have an ex that was not faithful. Our lives and they way we moved about made our times together short and intense. That taught me how to be in the moment and to treasure moments even if the whole relationship may be a hot bowl of "fill in blank here." This has been a good lesson. Sometimes you have a good relationship with a few bad moments. Other times it is the other way around. You need to know which is which and at all times enjoy the good and learn from the not so good. I tell you about this ex and this great lesson because moments are how I get through life now. Instead of the expectation of relationships – friendship or other – my expectations have simmered down to moments. They are with less commitment, less hurt, less need, less rejection. It makes my life where real friends are hard and sometimes impossible to come by, make more sense. It makes me seem less broken.