I was meditating the other day. It was a guided meditation and the subject was about trusting yourself. If you cannot trust anywone else, you should trust yourself right? I took a moment to really ask myself if I trust my choices, my thoughts and emotions. In most cases, I do. I rarely second guess myself, but there is an area of my life that I second, third and fourth guess myself and that is relationships. Not just intimate ones, but friendships too. I live in moments with people, believing that this moment and the next moment could be different. One moment we are friends and the next we are not. This moment we are lovers and the next moment, we are not. It doesn't get any deeper for me anymore. The good of this is that I am totally present when I am talking with a friends, having lunch with family, etc. What could be considered bad is there is a detachment and friendship, intimacy and any other growth in friendship could only go so far for me. I am aware of it. I only let people in so far.
My nieces and nephews are the exception to the rule. They are love to me. I feel that way about most children. They break that wall down and I feel them in my nerve endings and in my breath. It is refreshing and freeing. I wish to be that open when relating to others, but I have not learned to do that yet.
I do not trust myself in this area of my life, to pick people to be vulnerable with. I do not trust people enough to be vulnerable with. I've been like this the past 10 years. It was the several years before the past 10 that I found myself in trouble, wanting help, wanting love, wanting support and came back empty. I began to live with this new rule. Help yourself and only let people in so far. It helped me cope when I began to realize that maybe people do not care about other people. Maybe the people I care about did not care about me. That is a harsh reality (if it is real).
I am writing this because my spirit keeps bringing to the forefront that I must start to trust again and open myself to the possibilities of the beauty that is around me when it comes to friends, lovers, companions and more. My logical side doesn't see any use for it. It is just a point of weakness and distubance. I know my spirit knows best and only it could get me to reevaluate this. My life has been a lot simpler with people arms length. It has been more calm and structured. I am not sure I am ready to give up this peace but my spirit thinks differently. I can only learn how to trust myself by actually trusting myself and stepping into this.