I had a challenging week. I was going through my project list (visit dmjstudio.com to see what I have been working on lately); looking at what I have completed in the past months. I sighed really really loudly and kind of slumped down in my chair. I wondered if what I am doing with my urban projects, my art and library stuff means anything. Am I wasting time and energy?
We all have this vision of how things should turn out in our lives. Simply, if we do this, we should get that. If we get that, then we can get this. But lately, this formula does not work in my life. I think that the uncertainty is also screwing with my emotional state. Another truth is that I have been in a fog since I came back to Houston, which makes it very hard to see anything clearly or know where I am going. I have been more angry than I have ever been in years. I feel myself feeling jealous of other people's achievements and comparing myself to them. This is not me. This is not how I normally function. Something is wrong and before I do anything else, I need to know why I am feeing this way. I am sure these emotions connect with my lack of achievement. The combination of my project list (i.e. my failure list), my cloudiness and my emotional disfunction was making me anxious. Uncomfortably anxious. I felt like only crying or screaming could release it and then something happened.
God must have felt bad for me, and for a moment, in between an inhale and an exhale, I heard very clearly, " Stop trying to make things happen. Be still, meditate deeply and more consistently and it will come to you." And just like that the anxiety went away and my anger went away. Things started making sense. I have been asking for months, why I am where I am, and that moment, in that breath, I was clear enough to hear the answer.
You know that saying, "Be still and know that I am God." To me, this means, that there are moments that we must be still so that God/Universe/Source can work and ready the environment for our vision. Life is a partnership between us and God. There are times we are working in unison, but there are many times when we are are work and many times when God is at work and they are happening at opposite moments like some ying/yang action. I have been working out of turn. It is time for me to be still. That is difficult for someone like me and that is why it is so important to do. I must trust my partner as my partner trust me. When I do this, the success that I envision will come. It will.