Get Up and Go

You can Find this Image: https://www.theoutsiders.net/item/6341,get-up

You can Find this Image: https://www.theoutsiders.net/item/6341,get-up

Today, I woke up at 7 am, but didn’t leave the bed until 7:15 – 7:20. I was giving myself a talk and a run down on why I should have been up 15 minutes ago. Getting ready for work has added an hour and a half to my morning and I honestly dislike it. Getting ready for work jars my spirit.

I use to get out of bed, shower, pray, eat and start my day will little fuss or muss.  Now, I get up, shower and have to be deliberate in picking something to wear, combing my hair, making up my face and then going to the job. My get up and go has become get up, get ready and then go.

There were times, before I joined the workforce again, that I would get up inspired and get right to the project at hand and do my hygienic rituals afterward. Out of respect for my mother, myself and my co-workers, I cannot do that anymore. My morning inspirations are dulled by baths and clothing preparation (big sigh while rolling my eyes).

And my morning inspiration…well, maybe it will have to turn to inspired note taking until I get back from the job. I am not complaining. I am observing. It’s okay to observe. That is the only way to know when change is needed.

Hey. It’s all good.  It’s all a part of this transition I am experiencing. I will find solutions. Most likely, like when I was in school, I will pick out my clothes and fix my lunch at night. Until I get use to it, I will probably keep doing these 15 minute pep talks in the morning that really consist of me yelling “Get up!”

I Needed the Quiet

oldenglishd2

I love my life in Detroit. It grounded me and made me so much more clear about who I am and my purpose. But now, I am in Houston. Work has brought me here and I also think that there is a spiritual purpose for me being here. It has to be. Outside of spiritual enlightenment that, I do not see what Houston has to do with my journey.

One thing though, that I have noticed and appreciated is the quiet. Life in Detroit was a lot less stressful than my first go around in Houston, TX, but Detroit life was not always quiet. It was full of family and friends and crazy politics. I loved it and I cannot wait to get back to it – but it was not quiet and I think I need the quiet to get to my goals and dare I say to my destiny.

So, though I do not know exactly why I was pulled back into Houston, I can say I appreciate the quiet. I think I needed it.

The Anger Monster

Image of the Hulk found on www.fanpop.com

Image of the Hulk found on www.fanpop.com

The Hulk is the symbol of the challenge that we all face. Inside, we have this person or thing that is filled with this negative energy and is ready to explode. That energy is anger. Whenever Bruce Banner got too mad or too excited, this “monster” came out thrashing and crashing. On top of that, Banner’s intelligence seemed to decrease a little. What is more dangerous than a big dumb angry monster?  I think that an angry monster that is not ever allowed to come out is more dangerous.

I had an anger problem. I did. As a kid I would let my feelings gather and gather until one day I would completely explode on the poor soul who tip my anger beyond its capacity.  It was a horrible site. I would throw things and hit things and “say” things and come out looking like a complete idiot.  The feeling of not being in control scared me and so, I made a conscious decision, not to get mad or angry.

Just a note: you can’t NOT get angry. That was one of my most stupid decisions I ever made.  Not showing anger on the outside did not mean it did not exist. It began to fester inside of me and made me toxic. I became depressed and physically sick all of the time. I was dying inside and out trying to control my angry little monster.

Prayer, meditation and love snapped me out of that foolishness. After several years of depression and a moment of enlightenment, I learned that anger is part of me and it has the right to show itself when it should. So, I made a pact with my angry little monster. I told her, when I need to show anger, I will give her the floor and let her out and do her thing. That agreement did a couple of things for me. It made me comfortable with my anger and now, when I am angry, I am not thrashing like a big green monster. I am allowed to keep my intellect and express myself and then move on from the situation rather quickly.

Don’t be like Bruce. Understand anger is there and it cannot be contained. If it seems to take you to a place where you are out of control, stop and make a pact with your angry little monster. Respect her/him, let them out when need be and do not let it control you.

Phone Calls from Home

phone_screenshotOut of the 39 years that I have lived on this earth, 10 of them have been away from home (out of state) and about 30 of them have been out of my parents house. In cases like this the phone becomes like a needed commodity as well as a element of fear.

Sometimes, picking up the phone and hearing a voice that you haven’t heard in weeks or months makes you feel like everything is okay.  That is most of the time for me. There are times though that I get a phone call while I am doing other things and for a moment, I get irritated, “Why are they calling me”? Don’t they know that I am…but the fact is they don’t know. They don’t know that at that moment when they are calling, you are trying to concentrate and listen to a presentation in a meeting that was deemed important. They don’t know that in 10 minutes you need to complete a email to someone so that they will understand why you sent the email before that.  They don’t know.

All they remember was that just weeks ago when they called – regardless of the time of day, you picked up the phone and said ‘hey”. I hope they know I still love them even if they get my voice mail.

The other times when the phone becomes just a tool of sadness and what feels like un-endless pain is when a message has to be given to you over the phone that in most cases should be told to you face-to-face. I’ve had those calls too. I learned that a favorite teacher passed and my that my aunt transitioned over the phone. I also learned that my nieces or nephews were sick or hurt. That my dad was in the hospital. These are horrible calls. There is nothing you can do, but sit, disturbed, looking at that damned phone. Moments like this makes you struggle with living your life and being away from things that matter.

Anxiety can sometimes build in you, the fears of things that have not happen but could. I think that is the worse. Wondering what may have happened last night while we all slept. But, just as I worry about those people on the other side of my receiver, they are worrying and loving me too.

Today my niece called me during a work meeting. She called twice. The first time I ignored it. The second time I couldn’t. I stopped the meeting for 30 seconds to say “hey” and “I will call back” and “I love you”. Calls from home are good.

Cass Cafe before it was Cool

cass_cafe_outside_052801

As an introvert, you do not always willingly go into places that you have never been before. I did not willingly go to Cass Cafe. I worked down the block from this restaurant for years and walked passed it almost everyday. The noise that came out of it scared me. The people that came out of it looked so different than me that at times I had small anxiety attacks thinking about the place.

So why did I go in? A colleague from work suggested it. I trusted her, so I felt safe going with her. In our short walk to the restaurant, my brain filled with so many different pictures and I did not fit in any of them. We got to the door and she opened it up without hesitation. I slowly walked in after her and was amazed. The space was somewhat dark, lit mostly with natural light coming from the two from windows. My eyes adjusted and saw the yellowish/brown decor with metal accents all around the two floor building. And then my eyes open to the beautiful art that was on the walls.  I smiled and wished that I had not let my introverted thoughts run wild for so many years.

From that day on, Cass Cafe was my go-to place. I went there so much that I began to have favorite dishes like their spinach salad, or their garlic fried calamari. I also liked the black bean burger. Cass Cafe was just a place then, A good place but just a place. Now, it is “the” place. So many people go their now and so many artists try their damnedest to get their art on the wall (me included).  I am happy for the owner for the success, but I miss the quieter less trendy Cass Cafe.

There are some Sunday mornings during brunch that I get glimpses of the the old Cass Cafe. You know, the one before it was cool. The one with a few people here and there, listening to the music across the sound system, taking in the sunshine from the windows, eating good food and enjoying the art. It is a introverts paradise sometimes.

VISIT CASS CAFE WEBSITE

I’m Different

Artwork by Maser www. Maserart.com

Artwork by Maser  – www. Maserart.com

I’m not 2 Chainz and can’t say I am a fan of his music, but I couldn’t help but think of his song when I started writing this “I’m different, yeah I’m different.” A few weeks ago, I did not think I was that “different” until I found myself in a new, but familiar environment and yet, did not fit the way I use to.

And, this is not a bad thing. I want to make that clear. Fitting in isn’t always the best thing, but in most cases, fitting in is an easier road all be it maybe a more boring one too. How am I different this time than last I was in this familiar environment?

  • Obviously I am older and I am a little wiser about how I balance what I do and who I am.
  • I am pretty sure that last round, I was trying to prove something to me and to anyone else that was paying attention. This time, I just want to do something that will make our world a better place to be now and even when I am gone.
  • I am clear about what I want out of my life and nothing, not even admiration, could change that or make me change direction in my life
  • I am happier. I know love on the levels we are meant to experience them; self love, love of others and love for others; that has grounded me.
  • I understand that my authenticity is an attribute regardless of how it makes others feel.

So I think it is as simple as that. Because I am different, my experience will be different and I think that is going to be a good thing.