I am learning how to let things go. I have to do this to make room for new things. For years, things in my life were happening that I found strange and just plain crazy. But I get it now, Finally I understand that those things lead to this lesson. I must let go.
I must let go of people. This is a difficult one when you already feel you do not have enough people in your life; but I have to let go. I have to let go of fear. You don’t know how much you fear until it starts staring you in the face. I must let go of pain and worry. I must let go of beliefs that are not true. I must let go of stuff I thought meant something but doesn’t mean anything at all. I must let go of control. Control really causes the chaos in my life.
Once I let go, the life that I envision will have the space to materialize. I see that now. I know that now. I’m still freaked out, but I will let go of that too.
The past few weeks I read a daily affirmation to get me ready for a change that is happening in my life. The weird thing about doing things like meditations, prayer, affirmation reading is that it can scare up some fear that you didn't know you had prior to committing yourself to these spiritual rituals.
One fear that kept coming up during the last month is a fear of failing at developing some of my own ideas. I found that one reason I am in the line of designing and project development is that it allows me to create and execute things; other people's things and ideas; while not failing at my own. It is a space that challenges me and keeps me safe from the big F.
Oh, but my soul, my spirit, my instinct – that little voice, not so quiet voice, kept at me and told me it was time. Time for me to leap and create for creation sake. To do it because that is what I am here for. To create because I love it. To be the artist I was always intended to be. To do this will mean living outside of the norm; even more so than I currently do. That thought, that reality has made me uncomfortable and stalled a decision I have been trying to make for a year. And then it happened. The need to follow my spirit has grown stronger than the fear of failure and now I must move. Move to the place where I am intended to be. And that place is an artist using my voice to tell my story. FEAR…it still exist, but my fear of failure is minimal compared to my fear of not following the voice.
My life is changing and I know it. I want to be ready for it so, I am going into a one month devotion. A month of heavier meditation, stillness and listening to my spirit and the god within to make sure that the next steps I take and the next thing I create is of service to the world. I think that Easter is a wonderful day to make this decision.
A lot of my work and decisions in life were connected to a subconscious goal of having someone accept me and tell me that what I was doing was good and that those “good” things made me a worthy and good person. There has been deep disappointments trying to get approval in that way. I now know that I do not need approval, I just need to be. My next challenge is to do things with a less ego-centric outcome and to do them because they make me happy and make the world a little bit better.
My practice will include some drawing and painting. That is when I feel more myself and most clear. It will also include reading different scripture books, but most importantly, it will be me sitting and staying still enough to ask God or universe, how can I serve.
I think this world and each of us would be less anxious and less unhappy if we started the day being grateful for it and then asking how can I use this day to serve myself, my community and the world.